Олег Онопрієнко That's Life 29 May 2025, 09:00

"I work in an offline office in the IT field. But for some reason, no one has been interested in me yet." Why is it difficult for IT people to find a partner and how do they do it?

The modern dating culture has changed significantly, but it still has its own "IT" nuances. IT specialists are people with a special rhythm of life and views, so finding love can be difficult for them. Due to differences in character, work schedule and interests, IT professionals often face a number of barriers in their romantic life. In the material dev.ua we consider the main difficulties, criteria for choosing a partner and present real stories of IT professionals about successful and not so successful acquaintances.

Real stories from the IT community

Previously, dev.ua analyzed various stories of successful dating among IT professionals, which later developed into romantic relationships. The approach to dating among IT professionals differs both in the place of meeting and in the methods of courtship.

System Architect Yuvzhenko Denis advises colleagues to build social connections and not isolate themselves from their surroundings. He says that he met a girl in a circle of friends with whom he spent time in an informal setting over drinks. The developer noted that such extracurricular communication in a friendly atmosphere, fueled by alcohol, helps to relax and start new relationships, including romantic ones. The result of this approach was a happy married life for Denis and his wife.

Full Stack Developer Mykhailo Basyuk told how he decided to build a serious relationship through a systematic analysis of the mistakes of previous relationships: lack of money, inability to restrain himself, misunderstanding of intentions at the beginning of the relationship. With the acquired experience, Mykhailo downloaded a dating app and installed simple filters that would meet his criteria: no smoking and foul language.

Right after point three, I asked the first one who passed the filter out on a date. She has been my wife for seven years.

Some IT workers are not as lucky as their colleagues.

Oleksandr Tokar, a 30-year-old specialist, had almost no contact with girls, and his first online acquaintance in 2020 was a negative experience. The girl demanded help, financial support, and in the end simply disappeared. This story perfectly illustrates the importance of soft skills not only for building successful work communication.

25-year-old IT professional Maria says that she has never had a normal relationship. She has only been invited on a date twice, both of which were unsuccessful. “It’s really frustrating. I work in an offline office in the IT sector. But for some reason no one has been interested in me yet. In my opinion, I have an attractive, normal appearance. I don’t understand why this is so, and where are they looking for a soulmate now,” Maria complains.

Maria’s experience highlights an important component of any dating experience that men often ignore—the importance of making the first move. According to Rakuten, only a third of women in Ukraine (36%) dare to make the first move when it comes to online dating. So guys, you need to be more proactive in expressing your intentions.

The main difficulties in finding a romantic partner

If we compare the world of dating with previous decades, it has changed significantly. We are talking not only about online dating, but also about banal searches for a partner in the real world. The boom in online dating reached its peak during the COVID-19 pandemic. Most IT workers switched to remote work, respectively, the chance of meeting at work has dropped to almost 0, since you can only see a potential partner on the other side of the screen at daily meetings, provided that the camera is turned on.

As soon as things started to improve a little, a full-scale invasion occurred: a significant part of the women went abroad, some of the men went to war, the rest stayed home to avoid mobilization. People returned online, but the problems with finding partners did not disappear.

On dating sites, you can see many profiles from girls who complain about men who constantly stay at home and don't dare to go on dates. For men, modern risks are becoming a decisive factor, so one of the few options left is to invite the girl to her place right away, which is already a red flag for the girl.

"I always thought that relationships with colleagues were a disaster. But six years ago I really liked a guy. We got married three years ago." Finding love at work is possible - proven by IT professionals. Micro-research dev.ua

There is a prevailing view in society that many IT professionals are introverts or people with clear technical interests. They find it difficult to make new friends outside the "bubble" of work and hobbies. Programmers and engineers often tend to be closed-minded and may also feel pressured by colleagues or employers. As IT blogger The Secret Developer notes , there is sometimes a prevailing view among programmers that "developers shouldn't have personal relationships because it distracts from the code." This approach makes it difficult to balance career and personal life.

The same opinion is held by a developer under the nickname abicorios , who, in a discussion on the topic "Why it's harder for girls in IT to find a partner than their male colleagues," expressed the opinion that introversion, which arises from prioritizing work over social life, is to blame.

"Career development spoils other skills. Low intensity of words makes you invisible. Low intensity of movements makes you invisible. This reduces the number of offers several times. You can only see an active man. But, you won't like the way he behaves. This will increase cynicism. Then, you will cancel most of your acquaintances yourself. If you move away from society a little in development, then you move away even more. Then you can work either with your mobility, or with your cynicism, or leave it as it is," the developer shared his opinion.

Work schedules in IT are often unpredictable: nights on releases, overtime and crunches. An IT specialist can work remotely from another city or country - this limits the social circle. In addition, the industry often has a gender imbalance (for example, more men), which narrows down potential partners in the professional environment. As of 2023, almost 72,000 women worked in Ukrainian IT, which is only 23% of the total number of IT workers. Because of this, IT workers are forced to meet outside their usual circles, spending more effort.

"Then my future husband hired me for a job." Where do IT people look for love and do they find it: 13 stories about love from Tinder, Badoo and beyond

Long hours of programming and constant deadlines eat away at your free time. According to the aforementioned The Secret Developer, “developers often work so many hours that they simply don’t have time to date outside of work.” According to studies from other industries, excessive workloads are directly linked to decreased relationship satisfaction and increased stress. In IT companies, there is sometimes an expectation of constant focus on projects, which can push dating and romance to the back burner.

IT professionals can experience emotional burnout after intense work cycles. Due to their technological mindset, some find it difficult to immediately express feelings or understand the subtle emotions of others. In addition, failures at work (a release that went wrong or criticism of the code) affect mood and self-confidence. Often, IT professionals’ partners note that they have to struggle with emotional fatigue or the “corporate cynicism” of programmers. All this creates additional obstacles in finding and building close relationships.

Unfortunately, during the full-scale invasion, many couples broke up and do not want to build any romantic relationships at all. According to the State Civil Registry, the number of divorces increased by 42% in 2024 and now amounts to over 34,000. Someone was forced to go abroad and leave their significant other, and this separation did not stand the test of distance. Other relationships fell apart due to emotional burnout. Someone was exposed by the war not from the best side and it became impractical to continue the relationship.

Ranking of countries by number of divorces according to World of Statistics

Aitivitsa, who found themselves behind the cordon during a full-scale invasion, discovered a world of communication with foreigners, who, in their opinion, are much more pleasant to build relationships with. A whole discussion arose in Threads, which escalated into personal insults when data analyst Anna Khlymvniuk reasoned her choice in favor of foreigners.

"Many Ukrainian men grew up in a culture where women are not seen as equals, but as "someone else's": a wife, mother, daughter — not an individual.

"From here — superiority, control, disregard for borders. This is a model of behavior learned by generations. That's why women choose foreigners — it's not about the passport, but about the attitude," the AIT woman explained .

Criteria for choosing a partner for IT professionals

Younger generations (millennials and Gen Z) highly value a common worldview and preferences. For example, an OkCupid survey showed that 70% of millennials and Gen Z consider it important for a partner to share their values and views. IT professionals, like all young people today, value shared beliefs (political, environmental, humanitarian, etc.) and similar ethics, such as the need to constantly donate to the Armed Forces of Ukraine.

Many IT people are looking for a partner who understands their technological "addiction" and can share their techno-hobbies or at least be tolerant of them. For example, a love of video games, comics, or gadgets often becomes a topic of common conversation.

Threads user lena_smetanka said that she and her husband work in IT and primarily came to the industry because of the thrill of working with people with whom she finds it easy and interesting to communicate.

I'm not in IT because of financial success. It wasn't so important to my husband that I was from this field. In principle, he doesn't mind me not working. Because for us in the opposite sex, different things are important. And women often forget about this.

Successful IT couples often talk about the importance of respecting personal space : “Create two separate workplaces in different rooms. It is desirable that you can close the door and no one comes through. Meet for lunch and spend time in the evening. Working hours are working hours so as not to distract each other. We managed to do it that way.” The need to sometimes be alone to “reboot” is an important factor for living together, when life and work are intertwined in the same space.

IT people often set high goals for themselves and expect understanding from their loved ones. A software engineer from the US notes that he is looking for “a partner who is confident in himself and sees me for who I am.” Flexibility and understanding are important for IT partners; if one of the couple is delayed on a project or is burning out with a deadline, it is better to be supportive rather than ignoring work needs.

The general trend is that about 74% of millennials and Gen Z consider character or personality to be the most important factors when choosing a partner. This means that an IT professional looking for love will value optimism, kindness and purposefulness in a partner more than material status or appearance. For example, couples in the IT community often emphasize that their relationships are based on sincerity, trust and mutual support even in stressful project work conditions.

This is especially true for IT professionals who dream of a family. In the conditions of war in Ukraine, many IT couples (especially those who lived in cities with a population of millions during the full-scale invasion) note that family values come first. Partners in such couples often agree to move, keep each other informed of important decisions, and plan a joint future not only as lovers, but as a family.

Where and how do IT people meet today?

Online dating (Tinder, Bumble, other apps)

Although there has been a general decline in activity in dating apps, especially among young people, they are still among the top dating channels. By 2022, there were about 5–7 million users of dating services in Ukraine.

According to the results of 2024, about 60 million people in the United States used Tinder every month. This service is popular among people aged 25–34 (45% of users). It is noted that 25% of engaged couples met on Tinder. According to analysts, in 2025, more than half of couples in love met for the first time online, because the convenience of applications and filtered profiles allow you to quickly find potential couples.

Tired of traditional dating apps, Ukrainian developers are creating their own solutions. We recently spoke with the creator of Normis, a site designed to help people find partners among their close circle of friends and acquaintances, while keeping unwanted users out as much as possible.

Growth in offline event attendance

However, young people are not ignoring the real world. According to PYMNTS, attendance at offline events for singles (theme parties, speed dates, clubs based on interests) among millennials and Gen Z has increased by 49% compared to the previous year. 79% of Gen Z colleagues and students surveyed prefer real meetings rather than online chats to get to know people. Not only traditional bars or cafes are popular now, but also thematic groups from morning runs to chess clubs, where a simple conversation can be the beginning of a relationship.

Social networks and messengers

Although LinkedIn and Instagram are not primarily intended for romantic dating, IT professionals often find partners through shared professional communities or thematic chats on Telegram/Slack/Discord/Threads.

For example, recently, dating on the Threads network has gained popularity. Just one thread about relationships with IT people has garnered over 200 comments of varying “quality” of discussion, as many commentators point out the arrogance of some IT people, who cast a shadow over the entire community. “Somehow they think that if they are highly specialized, cool experts in one field, then the whole world revolves around them, but in reality they don’t know basic things outside their bubble,” said a girl named Zhanna, who has been on three dates with IT people.

Tech conferences, hackathons, coding courses, and professional meetups are natural environments for IT professionals. According to surveys, about 15% of couples in 2025 met through mutual friends or colleagues (often through a common circle of acquaintances). About 10% of couples found each other at work or during their studies. This shows that in the IT community (where many people know each other), friendly connections and professional events play a significant role in the emergence of new romances.

Conclusions

So who qualifies as an ideal partner for an IT professional? This is a person who understands the peculiarities of the IT lifestyle and is ready to compromise, and most importantly, they should have a set of similar values, interests, and a sufficient level of empathy. Common hobbies, mutual respect for personal space, and support for professional aspirations are important. At the same time, it is useful for IT professionals to be open to new contacts at work, among friends, or through online services.

Real stories of IT people show that love can be found anywhere, if you look "from different sides" and do not forget about ordinary live contact. The main thing to remember is that nothing is perfect, we are all people who are prone to mistakes and succumb to emotions, often negative. Therefore, the key to a happy relationship is patience, flexibility and a desire to understand each other.

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