"I was almost 100% sure that very soon all this would be behind me." Diary of a mobilized AIT soldier - about the fear of being transferred to the infantry, the SZCH plan and the desire to escape from Ukraine
Now is the sixth portion of confessions and revelations — about thoughts about the SZCh, fear of being transferred to the infantry, and the desire to escape from Ukraine.
Now is the sixth portion of confessions and revelations — about thoughts about the SZCh, fear of being transferred to the infantry, and the desire to escape from Ukraine.
About the anxiety of being transferred to the infantry and the manic desire to leave Ukraine during the fighting
After the first unsuccessful sortie of our infantrymen, something changed in me. Or rather, a lot of things. One of the realizations was that death was very close. The constant shelling of the front-line city did not scare me as much as the prospect of replacing someone from the dead group in the next sortie.
Each subsequent 200, 300, 500 and SZCH was perceived as an approach to the critical point, and small replenishments provided temporary relief. This was a period of the greatest emotional swings and a kind of absorbing existential egocentrism. The moment came when the replenishments ended, but the combat orders for the assault did not.
Selection into groups began with all units (not even combat units): people who were involved in documents (and who could be easily replaced), training newcomers, were not very busy due to the inactivity of the unit in the direction, or those for whom their commander could not stand up and «justify the service need» (which is why the immediate commander is very important) — they all got on the lists. Having witnessed previous exits, this of course brought with it a wave of SZCH.
Some were lucky, but their commanders warned them a couple of hours before departure (for which they received reprimands and cancellation of the award), and some fled from their positions. My commander held a high position, treated me carefully, was in many ways a very adequate person, and in general, it seems to me, we built a fairly trusting relationship, where he was not worried that I would go to the NWCH (because I always returned), so he gave me some freedom of movement and basic respect. But this was not enough for me.
His power in the battalion was not unlimited, and closing the gaps was a necessity. In a couple of days, many different circumstances developed in such a way that I screwed myself up for the worst and decided that it was time for me to «make my way» abroad, no matter what it cost me. The prospect of being in the North-West Frontier and hiding even more than before was painful for me, and fatigue from such a life and sadness for my loved ones only pushed me to such a decision.
I found what seemed to me to be a good option: direct communication, lots of feedback, a clear plan, and a reasonable price. I started preparing: I bought the necessary things, decided what to do with the money in my accounts, started the process of renewing my passport, and resolved my utility issues. I was almost 100% sure that all of this would be behind me very soon.
I imagined that I would spend the first month somewhere at sea, that for the first time in many years I would feel complete freedom, walking freely through the narrow streets of some European city, and that when I rested, I would start a new life. That’s what it seemed to me, and I really wanted it.
My plan is to go to the NWCH and leave
Some emotional states are notorious for shutting down normally active critical thinking, or even what’s left of it. For example, a person under stress is more prone to confirmation bias (the tendency to seek out and accept only information that confirms existing beliefs) or tunnel vision, where a broad perspective narrows to some basic rules and «truths.» Something similar happened to me.
The person who was supposed to solve my issue with departure aroused distrust in my beloved, who, in turn, did not lose her critical view of such an adventure. And although her arguments did not convince me, they forced me to take off my rose-colored glasses and soberly check everything again. I could not have fallen for it so easily, could I? Literally in one day of scrupulously viewing chats and contacting those who had supposedly successfully used this service, I found two clues that exposed this «carrier» as a well-disguised scammer.
I was overcome with disappointment and despair. The plan had failed. All other options came down to finding a friend with the right phone number and positive experience. Some solutions didn’t work for my specific situation, others had «closed» some time ago. I was in the same place I started from.
The next couple of weeks passed in anticipation of the command’s actions regarding the situation in the battalion: we had to stay on the mission for a long time, while the number of SZCH went off scale, which caused the infantry to go into combat less and less often, and the groups to decrease in number (and this with no more than 30% manning upon arrival), which passed the baton to the subordinates. I reassured myself that I was performing a fairly specific and important job, so finding a replacement for me was not so easy and quick.
At the same time, I saw how women and older people were skillfully replacing people like me. A logical and effective scheme, although very unattractive to me personally. I fantasized about what I would do if I was told to gather (fortunately, no one knew my exact address, only my home). After all, there was hope that my commander would warn me and I would gain some time.
Another exit was being prepared. The group was assembled, to put it mildly, diverse: combat and non-combat units, from rear soldiers to combat senior officers. I was not there. I exhaled. Then I exhaled again when they all got out alive (there were only 300 easy ones). And the third time I exhaled when I found out that we were being withdrawn in less than a week, and we were going back to the unit.
Not everyone was happy, because they suspected what awaited them upon arrival. For me, this news was a relief, although it seemed strange and unexpected — like my entire short experience in the army. As it turned out, the period of instability and uncertainty about my future status was not ending, but was skillfully and rather rapidly changing form.
«When you’re a clerk, you don’t hear explosions, groans, last words. You don’t see blood, wounded bodies without limbs and with their insides ripped out.» Mobilization diary from an IT worker in Threads — about changes in the mentality of the army, front-line cities, and losses
«It’s Schrödinger’s military cat: until an official (or not) order comes, you’re both in the infantry and not.» A new part of the mobilization diary from an IT guy in Threads — about intimidation in the army, a grenade in the barracks, and redeployment
«Don’t worry until you join me in the infantry. I’ll tell you when you have to go to the SZCH.» We continue to publish a mobilization diary from an IT guy from Threads — about the motivation to serve in the busified, the difference in service conditions for staff and infantrymen, and weapons in a blanket
«Individuality is not needed. And the more of you there are, the lonelier you are.» Mobilization diary from an IT guy from Threads — about BZVP, «NATO lip shots» and «playing stormtroopers»
«Do you know that you are already 200? Have you already bought yourself a black package?» In Threads, a mobilized IT worker keeps a diary of his service in the army — about communication with the TCC, thoughts on the SZCH and IT experience in the non-digital system of the Armed Forces of Ukraine
«А жінок чому випустили? Несправедливо». Айтішники - про заклик секретаря РНБО не ховатися за жіночими спідницями у відповідь на петицію про виїзд чоловіків
Нещодавно у РНБО відреагували на петиції про дозвіл виїжджати чоловікам з України. Таких петицій було вже три, і остання набрала необхідну кількість голосів для розгляду президентом.
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The fear of that sudden shift to frontline duty is something many can relate to, especially those in tech. I often wonder how we can contribute meaningfully while also feeling that tug to escape the chaos around street view
The fear of that sudden shift to frontline duty is something many can relate to, especially those in tech. I often wonder how we can contribute meaningfully while also feeling that tug to escape the chaos around street view.
The fear of that sudden shift to frontline duty is something many can relate to, especially those in tech. I often wonder how we can contribute meaningfully while also feeling that tug to escape the chaos around street view
The fear of that sudden shift to frontline duty is something many can relate to, especially those in tech. I often wonder how we can contribute meaningfully while also feeling that tug to escape the chaos around street view.